Pharaoh's Journey

2003-08-15T06:18:00.001-07:00

How far can I fall when I look into your eyes?
You forced me to feel;
Tried to make me whole again.
Who gave you that right?
I'm afraid to feel again.
Thought I shut it off
and locked my heart away
I am what I am
I tried, I failed, and I'm sorry.
Poor me,
Yeah, I know
So full of shit
Can't stand it when others do this, so why should I?
Can I hate me
more than everyone else?
Awww, is that just not fair?
Not so sure I've a choice
Maybe I'm just stupid as all hell.
Didn't want to love
or hate or even care
Daughter's eyes changed me
and now I don't know who I am anymore. Lover? Father? Deviant.
Lair. Husband. Son. Caregiver. Adult. Addict. Hypocrite. Too many faces, nobody's running the show. Just pull one more thread and we'll see how far this one goes...

2003-08-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

How far can I fall when I look into your eyes?
You forced me to feel;
Tried to make me whole again.
Who gave you that right?
I'm afraid to feel again.
Thought I shut it off
and locked my heart away
I am what I am
I treid, I failed, and I'm sorry.
Poor me,
Yeah, I know
So full of shit
Can't stand it when others do this, so why should I?
Can I hate me
more than everyone else?
Awww, is that just not fair?
Not so sure I've a choice
Maybe I'm just stupid as all hell.
Didn't want to love
or hate or even care
Daughter's eyes changed me
and now I don't know who I am anymore. Lover? Father? Deviant.
Lair. Husband. Son. Caregiver. Adult. Addict. Hypocrite. Too many faces, nobody's running the show. Just pull one more thread and we'll see how far this one goes...

2003-07-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

There are times in this life that I think I would simply prefer not to exist. Then I look and play with my daughters and it all makes sense again.

There are other times when I wish I had never known love. Things might have been easier that way. But then again I see Derdre grinning that gap toothed grin of hers and I know that I'll always understand. I'm telling you... kids that age have it figured out. Respect dosen't mean a thing to them, they just love.

I'm trying so hard to make that image get out of my head. To forget the contempt and the disdain.

Tired of it all.

Sheesh... I thought teenage angst was bad... oh, well... live and learn I guess.

2003-07-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

"Carnivale"

Know your enemies well
They enter your life
Disguised as your friends
Know your enemies well
They’re in the next room
Waiting for you to fall asleep

[CHORUS]

Why?
I don’t know how you can live such a….
Lie….
To yourself, now I know who you are
Why?
I can forgive, but I’ll never forget
How you put a price on my head!

So little I can say
And less that I can do

To make you understand
These things you put me through
There’s got to be a better way!
There’s got to be a better way!

They’re trying to silence my voice
They’re feeling uncomfortable hearing my words
They wish I would shut the fuck up
Exposing the enemy

Truth always comes at a price

[CHORUS]

Know your enemies well
Trust nothing and no one
Cuz, everything sucks

Know your enemies well
Don’t sleep for a minute
Cuz, that’s when you’re fucked

[CHORUS]

There’s got to be a better way!…

2003-07-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, yeah, really like this song off the new Deftones.

"Needles And Pins"

How neat. I'm impressed...
how did you come to be so blessed?
You're a star. You blaze...
out like a sharp machine...
Like a whale's moan...
Well I'm here if that's what you want

Here we are - You're pins - I'm needles - Let's play...
Here we are - You want this? - Then come on...
Tune out everyone in the crowd because now it's just me and you
Come fall in love with the sound
Make a pact to each other when no one's around
put the cross between me and you
Who wants to fuck with us now?

2003-07-21T03:22:00.000-07:00

Been a bit since I blogged, huh? Just haven't been in the mood, I guess. If you'll pardon my french, my head's been a little um... I mean ... Fiddle -dee-dee, my brain hurts. Trying not to swear so much, you know how it goes... children and so on.

It occurs to me that there are times wherein you are put in a situation that makes you choose between two groups of freinds. I hate that. I had to miss Nobilis tonight because my bestest buddy needed my help tonight, so I guess it's OK, but I still feel crappy about it. There you go Starling, a public apology... but you know I'd do it again. Don't be too cranky I hope.

Picked up the new Deftones CD the other day... it's not bad. Thought it would be LOUDER or something... but it does posess an eerie melody that is very keenly Deftones. Makes me want to play Vampire againa little. There's a scary thought.

Guess while I'm on it, I might as well discuss live gaming for a sec. I think I hate it. I just sorta woke up a week or two ago and went 'You know... you're only organizing a game now. Hmmm. And you don't miss it. Double hmmmm.' I think I just sort of realized what a boiling pot of neurosis it can be and that I might just be a littling fucking sick of it. It gets too personal.

It can be a convenient excuse though, as I know all too well, for hiding anger. It's just simpler to say that you got screwed over in a game rather than say that you know all about the damn rumor mill and the invasion of privacy. I think my point is that I've already BEEN to high school once. Played enough roles there to last a life time.

Storytelling is fun because you get to write the plot, you know? Create something. Maybe it's not the gaming I hate as much as the crap that goes with it? Now... I have to grant that a good deal of my freind have been met via gaming, and so have a good deal of people I don't care much for. At times they seem interchangable. That's the problem, I think.

Damn. If this rant had a point, I'll be damned if I remember it. Feh... just purging.

2003-07-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

Surreal Moment of my Fledgling Day

Okay, so I get home from work and check my email... In order for this to make sense, I guess you need some back story, so here goes...

I foud a really cool site on the web (and when I say cool I mean bloody weird...)

http://www.prolognet.qc.ca/clyde/illumin.htm

So... I'm buggering around in the guestbook, just making a couple of pokes at the guy, and I get THIS in my inbox:

Religion was created by man, God did not create "religion". Stan is simply out to deceive thise that will not see the un-obvious. . It is slowly coming to a head, so it would behoove you not to look beyond the bullshit that's in front of us.
Old world=God.....New World=Satan. FIGURE IT OUT

Paul Knapp
Petersburg, Va

Ummm.. how was your morning? Flipping right wing lunatics. Gee... hope I don't get any more angry notes from Virginia... I think I may have hit the only semi-literate one in the bunch and he seemed a little unhinged.

2003-07-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

Thought for the day:

What do you get when you cross a buddhist with a discordian?

A sacred chao and a scared cow.

Dig that zen, baby.

2003-07-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

Ug. Game runs long time. Tired. Kids noisy. Speak only in fragments.

Jeanne smell good. Long, angsty game.

Verbose later.

2003-07-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

Was halfway through a post about various revelations I've had... but nothing was working in my head. At least in the transfer from thought to prose, that is. Got perhaps more sleep than was good for me, and am off to work shortly.

Tomorrow should be good, though. Looking forward to checking out props and setting up the basement for the game on Friday with Starling. Heard this Rage Against the Machine song last night and thought that the lyrics worked perfectly for a freind of mine.

Until later, may your path to the Underworld be swift and your heart lighter than Thoth's feather.

Born Of A Broken Man

My fears hunt me down
Capturing my memories
The frontier of loss
They try to escape across the street where
Jesus stripped bare
And raped the spirit he was supposed to nurture
In the name of my
In the name of my

Born of a broken man
But not a broken man
Born of a broken man
Never a broken man

Like autumn leaves
His sense fell from him
An empty glass of himself
Shattered somewhere within
His thoughts like a hundred moths
Trapped in a lampshade
Somewhere within
Their wings banging and burning
On through endless nights
Forever awake he lies shaking and starving
Praying for someone to turn off the light

Born of a broken man
Never a broken man
Born of a broken man
But not a broken man

My fears hunt me down
Capturing my memories
The frontier of loss
They try to escape across the street where
Jesus stripped bare
And raped the spirit he was supposed to nurture
In the name of my
In the name of my

Born of a broken man
But not a broken man
Born of a broken man
Never a broken man

2003-07-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

Thought this suited today... dunno why.

SPIDERS
The piercing radiant moon,
The storming of poor June,
All the life running through her hair,

Approaching guiding light,
Our shallow years in fright,
Dreams are made winding through my head,

Through my head,
Before you know, Awake,

Your lives are open wide,
The V-chip gives them sight,
All the life running through her hair,

The spiders all in tune,
The evening of the moon,
Dreams are made winding through my head,

Through my head,
Before you know, Awake

(SOLO)

Through my head,
Before you know,
Before you know I will be waiting all awake,

Dreams are made winding through her hair,
Dreams are made winding through her hair.

Hmmm maybe I have a spider thing going on? The people who know me well will understand, I think ;) Hail Eris!

News

Had an... interesting evening at work last night. Was minding my own business, reading the Feng Shui book Eric and Star brought me, when this rather... let's say scummy... looking fellow comes in a and demands to use my phone. He snarls an address to me and wants directions. I begin to give them to him when he snarls again that I have to write them down for him.. like I'm his secretary or something. He mutters something about 'fucking kids' as he's leaving and kicks my garbage can on his way by.

Now... I'm not usually a vindictive individual. I get angry easily and I can indeed hold a grudge, but I don't normally do anything about it. Otherwise I'd be asking certain Fade organizers why they had been reading my personal emails.

But this guy was way over the line, so I took down his plate and called the popo. Turns out the truck had been stolen and there were 'other complications' (or so the nice officer told me when he came in and thanked me). Moral of the story: Always be polite to the guy working the night shift at a gas station. Otherwise you might just get hauled away to the pokey. hehehe. Dumbass.

2003-07-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

A Little Spirituality Never Killed Anyone... (Well... except the spirit. Obviously.)

GP: Is Eris true?
M2: Everything is true.
GP: Even false things?
M2: Even false things are true.
GP: How can that be?
M2: I don't know man, I didn't do it.

KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!
I - There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
II - A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.

III - A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).

IV - A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.

V - A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.

IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.

Test Question from Topanga Cabal The Twelve Famous Buddha Minds School: If they are our brothers, how come we can't eat them?

Or, my personal Favorite...

Western Union Telegram
To: Jehova Yahweh
Care: Celestial Hotel (Suite #666)
Presidential Tier, Paradise
Dear God;
This is to inform you that your current position as deity is herewith terminated due to gross incompetence STOP Your check will be mailed STOP Please do not use me for a reference

Respectfully,

Malaclypse the Younger/Omnibenevolent Polyfather
POEE High Priest

2003-07-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

Sex.

*gasp*

Now that you're riveted by my every word, let us move on.

Strange how the world you're brought up in forms your views on thing sthat you would otherwise have no clue about. Take marriage for example... my influences have beeen my grandparents, extended family and media. Not exactly the most profound of sources, but they're what I have.

Things aren't exactly as I pictured them, when (if) I saw myself married with a family, but then I guess that's to be expected. Damn Bill Cosby and his lies. Cliff Huxtible never had to wonder if he was still attractive to his wife, or why Claire seemed more willing to show affection to his freinds. Maybe that's because they lived in a huge-ass house and could have some privacy...? Naw, couldn't be. That would mean that TV had set an unattainable goal, and we all know that couldn't be the case.

Whatever the case, the end result is that I'm having a crappy day. Mood sux, and I feel... bleh. I dunno how I feel. Like a task. Or a chore. Or something...

2003-07-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

I Yam Alive... but not a vegetable...

Internet is working again... all is well in the world. I can actually check my mail and stufflike.

Feel like I should be all profound or something, but I don't give a shit enough to do anything today. Feh.

And, so, In lieu of wisdom, I leave you with a Rage Against the Machine quote that pretty much sums up my mood today.

"If divine was suicide,
Then you would push the button;
But if you're bowing down
then let me do the cuttin'."

Wow. I feel verbose.

2003-06-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Tales of the Day pt. 2

I guess there is such a thing as karma. Landlord called, now we just have to get the damn keys... Man, why can't anything ever just be as easy as it says on the box? Soon enough this will all be done, and I can let my stress level return to something resembling normal.

And now for a Little Section I like to call... Aaaarg, the Serial

Miss my wife, miss my daughters. There I feel better. Well, mostly better.

"A Song For Sleeping"

Finally I've met you
The day has come
You're more than beautiful
And you're my girl

I don't deserve this
I never thought it could be
Quite like the moment
When you first smiled at me
A toothless, wonderful feeling
Like I'd never seen

It's you, Rowan, it's you
And when you lie down to sleep
I'll protect you
From the demons of the night
While I'm watching you grow

I'll pray
There's so much I could teach you
If you only have the time
Pray
There's so much God can teach you
If you only have the time

So will you tell me the little things?
What does God look like?
And angels' wings?
I don't remember these things
So would you teach them to me?
So for the moment
I'll watch you breathe

And when you wake up in the morning
And I pour the coffee
You're always smiling sweetly

Was just looking at a picture of my youngest daughter and this sprung to mind. Sort of cathartic for me. Move tomorrow, stress tonight. Feh. Sleep makes you weak anyways, right?

2003-06-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, here we are. Seems to me that an outlet fr what you're feeling is a good thing, even if it makes me one digital voice amongst the myraid. Gee, so I guess I need a topic then. Right.

Tales of the Day

Well, for starters I'm still waiting to hear from my new landlord...paid the guy 950 bucks in damage deposit and we still don't have the keys for the new place yet. Fucker. Guess it wouldn't be so bad, except that Simone (my current landlady) needs the place enpty as soon as possible. She's being cool enough, but her bosses are yelling at her, and I feel badly about it.

On the other hand I'm really psyched about moving back home. I miss having a social life, it's like Angel Mine and I have this odd counterbalance thing going on. Not that getting together with Milton and smoking a hoolie isn't kinda fun, but it gets old.

Hmmm... trying to decide if I want to bear my soul here. Seems really impersonal, and can't say that I'm still one with the whole blog thing. Public place to bitch like a poltroon or theraputic locale? I'll let you know when I figure that out, I suppose.

Until later.