Pharaoh's Journey

How far can I fall when I look into your eyes?
You forced me to feel;
Tried to make me whole again.
Who gave you that right?
I'm afraid to feel again.
Thought I shut it off
and locked my heart away
I am what I am
I tried, I failed, and I'm sorry.
Poor me,
Yeah, I know
So full of shit
Can't stand it when others do this, so why should I?
Can I hate me
more than everyone else?
Awww, is that just not fair?
Not so sure I've a choice
Maybe I'm just stupid as all hell.
Didn't want to love
or hate or even care
Daughter's eyes changed me
and now I don't know who I am anymore. Lover? Father? Deviant.
Lair. Husband. Son. Caregiver. Adult. Addict. Hypocrite. Too many faces, nobody's running the show. Just pull one more thread and we'll see how far this one goes...

How far can I fall when I look into your eyes?
You forced me to feel;
Tried to make me whole again.
Who gave you that right?
I'm afraid to feel again.
Thought I shut it off
and locked my heart away
I am what I am
I treid, I failed, and I'm sorry.
Poor me,
Yeah, I know
So full of shit
Can't stand it when others do this, so why should I?
Can I hate me
more than everyone else?
Awww, is that just not fair?
Not so sure I've a choice
Maybe I'm just stupid as all hell.
Didn't want to love
or hate or even care
Daughter's eyes changed me
and now I don't know who I am anymore. Lover? Father? Deviant.
Lair. Husband. Son. Caregiver. Adult. Addict. Hypocrite. Too many faces, nobody's running the show. Just pull one more thread and we'll see how far this one goes...

There are times in this life that I think I would simply prefer not to exist. Then I look and play with my daughters and it all makes sense again.

There are other times when I wish I had never known love. Things might have been easier that way. But then again I see Derdre grinning that gap toothed grin of hers and I know that I'll always understand. I'm telling you... kids that age have it figured out. Respect dosen't mean a thing to them, they just love.

I'm trying so hard to make that image get out of my head. To forget the contempt and the disdain.

Tired of it all.

Sheesh... I thought teenage angst was bad... oh, well... live and learn I guess.

"Carnivale"

Know your enemies well
They enter your life
Disguised as your friends
Know your enemies well
They’re in the next room
Waiting for you to fall asleep

[CHORUS]

Why?
I don’t know how you can live such a….
Lie….
To yourself, now I know who you are
Why?
I can forgive, but I’ll never forget
How you put a price on my head!

So little I can say
And less that I can do

To make you understand
These things you put me through
There’s got to be a better way!
There’s got to be a better way!

They’re trying to silence my voice
They’re feeling uncomfortable hearing my words
They wish I would shut the fuck up
Exposing the enemy

Truth always comes at a price

[CHORUS]

Know your enemies well
Trust nothing and no one
Cuz, everything sucks

Know your enemies well
Don’t sleep for a minute
Cuz, that’s when you’re fucked

[CHORUS]

There’s got to be a better way!…

Oh, yeah, really like this song off the new Deftones.

"Needles And Pins"

How neat. I'm impressed...
how did you come to be so blessed?
You're a star. You blaze...
out like a sharp machine...
Like a whale's moan...
Well I'm here if that's what you want

Here we are - You're pins - I'm needles - Let's play...
Here we are - You want this? - Then come on...
Tune out everyone in the crowd because now it's just me and you
Come fall in love with the sound
Make a pact to each other when no one's around
put the cross between me and you
Who wants to fuck with us now?

Been a bit since I blogged, huh? Just haven't been in the mood, I guess. If you'll pardon my french, my head's been a little um... I mean ... Fiddle -dee-dee, my brain hurts. Trying not to swear so much, you know how it goes... children and so on.

It occurs to me that there are times wherein you are put in a situation that makes you choose between two groups of freinds. I hate that. I had to miss Nobilis tonight because my bestest buddy needed my help tonight, so I guess it's OK, but I still feel crappy about it. There you go Starling, a public apology... but you know I'd do it again. Don't be too cranky I hope.

Picked up the new Deftones CD the other day... it's not bad. Thought it would be LOUDER or something... but it does posess an eerie melody that is very keenly Deftones. Makes me want to play Vampire againa little. There's a scary thought.

Guess while I'm on it, I might as well discuss live gaming for a sec. I think I hate it. I just sorta woke up a week or two ago and went 'You know... you're only organizing a game now. Hmmm. And you don't miss it. Double hmmmm.' I think I just sort of realized what a boiling pot of neurosis it can be and that I might just be a littling fucking sick of it. It gets too personal.

It can be a convenient excuse though, as I know all too well, for hiding anger. It's just simpler to say that you got screwed over in a game rather than say that you know all about the damn rumor mill and the invasion of privacy. I think my point is that I've already BEEN to high school once. Played enough roles there to last a life time.

Storytelling is fun because you get to write the plot, you know? Create something. Maybe it's not the gaming I hate as much as the crap that goes with it? Now... I have to grant that a good deal of my freind have been met via gaming, and so have a good deal of people I don't care much for. At times they seem interchangable. That's the problem, I think.

Damn. If this rant had a point, I'll be damned if I remember it. Feh... just purging.

Surreal Moment of my Fledgling Day

Okay, so I get home from work and check my email... In order for this to make sense, I guess you need some back story, so here goes...

I foud a really cool site on the web (and when I say cool I mean bloody weird...)

http://www.prolognet.qc.ca/clyde/illumin.htm

So... I'm buggering around in the guestbook, just making a couple of pokes at the guy, and I get THIS in my inbox:

Religion was created by man, God did not create "religion". Stan is simply out to deceive thise that will not see the un-obvious. . It is slowly coming to a head, so it would behoove you not to look beyond the bullshit that's in front of us.
Old world=God.....New World=Satan. FIGURE IT OUT

Paul Knapp
Petersburg, Va


Ummm.. how was your morning? Flipping right wing lunatics. Gee... hope I don't get any more angry notes from Virginia... I think I may have hit the only semi-literate one in the bunch and he seemed a little unhinged.

Thought for the day:

What do you get when you cross a buddhist with a discordian?

A sacred chao and a scared cow.

Dig that zen, baby.

Ug. Game runs long time. Tired. Kids noisy. Speak only in fragments.

Jeanne smell good. Long, angsty game.

Verbose later.